What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!

Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.

"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."

- Christiaan Barnard

Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.

What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.

What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.

Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.

What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”

What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.

A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.

You and I could totally melt my igloo.

Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.

“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”

I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business

“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.

“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt

My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.

“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.

Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.

The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."

Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.

What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!

I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.

Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.

What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!

My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.

Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom

Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.

Nothing really mattress.