A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Do you comma here often?
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
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