It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
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