How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.

“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson

We make a great pear

"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong

What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.

What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.

Want to lock our bikes together?

Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.

I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.

What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!

What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!

This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”

“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.

I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.

What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.

Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.

Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!

What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.

A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.

This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.

I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.

I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.

What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar

“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”

What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.

Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.

Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope

What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.