What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Treat yo'elf.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
When God made you, he was just showing off.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
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