A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
You make miso happy.
Wanna churn butter with me?
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
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