What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
For instant fun, just add water.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
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