Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Nothing really mattress.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
When are you due back in heaven?
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
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