“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
It’s party thyme.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
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