Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Your fragrance lights up my life.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
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