‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
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