What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
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