I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Want to become my new personal best?
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
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