I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Nice beach balls, can I play?
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
All clover the world.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
You’re my heartthrob.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
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