What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
"I make pour decisions."
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Eddie edited it.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
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