See snow evil, hear snow evil.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
"Time to wine down."
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
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