What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Say it ain’t snow.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Life is brew-tiful!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
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