For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Shake your shamrocks.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
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