Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
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