How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
I’m feelin’ green.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
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