“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
I beacha miss summer already!
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
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