"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Man is Fatally Slain.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
I was calling the hospital, but it seems they were busy. The picked up the phone and said,
"Urology department, can you hold?"
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
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