My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.

Can’t pinch this.

Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.

When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.

What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.

What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.

"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."

- John Steinbeck.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.

You snow the drill.

Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.

Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.

The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.

How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.

The calm before the score

Egg puns are the most egg-citing.

We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.

What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.

Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!

Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!

Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.

What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head

Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.

Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.

Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.

Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?

"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.

What eats laptops? Computer worms.

Let's do lunge together

“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”

[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.

What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.

How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.

Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.

What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.

I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.