What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
You snow the drill.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
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