Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
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