It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Seed between the lines.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
"Do you like computers?" (yes.) "Do you like file sharing?" (yes) "Good, 'cause I'm downloadable and user friendly!"
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I think I found my perfect match
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
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