Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
You're quite the catch, baby.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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