Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
How hot does your gas oven get?
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
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