Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Your pace or mine?
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
"Just looking on the sunny side."
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
You are pitcher perfect.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
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