Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
I have the final sleigh.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
My weekend is fully booked.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
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