Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
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