When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
I love all of your stratified layers!
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
"It's wine o'clock."
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
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