Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.

Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.

Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp

Fishing you a happy day.

You have me greening from ear to ear.

Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.

Turns out it was just a pipe dream.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.

“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”

- Amber Dusick.

What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!

What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.

What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.

The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.

My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.

You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.

What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...

Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

That was thaw-some!

If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.

Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.

I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.

Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.

Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.

“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen

What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

She has high elf-esteem.

Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.

You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.

I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.

You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!

Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.

Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.

What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.

We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"

"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.

Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.

What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.