Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
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