There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.

Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.

Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"

I want to stick to you like glucose.

That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.

Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.

How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.

Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.

What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!

Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!

Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting

Wanna exchange genetic information with me?

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."

"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller

Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.

Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.

I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

What belongs to you but others use more? Your name

American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.

Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.

A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!

What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.

As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.

I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee

The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.

I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.

Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.