I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?

The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.

After all is sled and done.

A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high

Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.

Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

Look for a rainbow connection.

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.

Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"

Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.

My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.

Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.

There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!

My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"

My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!

Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.

I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.

The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers

Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!

I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.

When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.

Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.

Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”

I want a taste of your Milky Way.