Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
Your mausoleum or mine?
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
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