Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
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