What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
You dropped something. My jaw.
Let’s take an elfie.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
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