What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.

How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”

A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"

The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.

Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.

Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.

The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.

Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.

Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!

"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.

What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.

What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?

I'd got to bat for you, babe.

Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.

I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.

“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous

Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad

I want you more than I want world peace.

For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.

On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!

Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!

“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.

What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'

I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.

What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.

I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.