Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
I have a heart-on for you.
"I'm nuts about you."
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
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