Resting Grinch face.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
You met all of my koala-fications
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
The goal nine yards
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
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