Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Time to celery-brate.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
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