What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!

The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.

Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.

I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.

What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.

My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."

You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.

What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!

Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.

Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”

- Salty Mermaid.

Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!

You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott

Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.

Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Ears.

Ears who?

Ears one more beaver joke for you.

For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.

Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.

Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.

What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.

What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!

What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.

It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.

What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?‬
Seasonings greetings.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon

What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!

How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?

What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.