Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Love me till ice cream.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
How hot does your gas oven get?
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Yoda one for me!
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
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