What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
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