What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
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