What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Say it ain’t snow.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
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