What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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