The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
How about we get down to monkey business?
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
It’s worth a shot.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
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