How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
You look a lot like my next victim.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
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