It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
I would love to show you first class.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
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