What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Composers always score.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
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