My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Go to BabaMail
