Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I feel tail great!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
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