The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
How about we get down to monkey business?
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
I've only got three months to live.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
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