A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
Thank brew very much.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
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