I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
I came here looking for a little tail.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
We should make like your parents and split.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Every piece of you is sweet.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
We were mermaid for each other.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
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