Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
We are perfect balance for each other.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I was gonna say something really sweet about you but when I saw you I was speechless.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
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