Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Distill my beating heart.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
"What an egg-citing day."
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
"You can't sip with us."
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
You have goat to be kidding me.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
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