A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Can I claim your baggage?
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
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