Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
I could never Passover you.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
In on the ground flora.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
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