What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Water you doing, my friend?
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
You’re my pot of gold.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
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