What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
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