What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
My moment in the sun.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
"Adulting makes me wine."
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
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