Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Whatever coats your boat.
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
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