What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
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