Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Snow on and snow forth.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
You mermake me happy.
I now believe in Angels.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
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