My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Hold on for deer life.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Baby, you rock my world!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
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