The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
You're my purr-son.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Nice pumpkins!
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Are you a tower? Because eiffel for you!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
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