Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Icy what you did there!
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
You have one compact set.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
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