I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
I have a heart-on for you.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
"I wood never leaf you."
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
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