What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
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