In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.

I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."

What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!

Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.

"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama

What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.

Yule be sorry.

The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott

The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.

Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.

We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.

How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.

Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”

- Earl Wilson.

Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.

What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.

What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!

What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.

“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!

There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...

Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.

Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.

My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”

He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”

What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.

How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!

Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.

Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!

If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?