What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
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