It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Don't get tide down.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Your good seed for the day.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
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