Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
"Say you'll be wine."
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
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