Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Best in snow.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
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