What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I loaf you.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
You are the object of my preposition.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
I now believe in Angels.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
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