On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
You have been running through my mind all day.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
I beg your garden?
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
"You can't beat me."
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
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