You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Nice pumpkins!
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Sleigh, what?!
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
Yule be sorry.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
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