THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
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