When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Ants in your plants.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Go to BabaMail
