I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Love me do
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Dublin’ the fun.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
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