Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
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