While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Your pace or mine?
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
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