I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Irish you luck.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
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