I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Dublin over in laughter.
I wish I had your number, so I could’ve invited you to dinner last weekend.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
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