"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown

I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.

I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.

Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.

What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!

"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."

How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.

Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.

What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.

The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.

I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.

My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.

What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.

I think you are just A-Cora-able

What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.

You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!

The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.

What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.

Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?

I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!

What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.

What's your number?? Err I mean your name?

From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!

I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty

Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss

“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.

A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.

"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson