Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
My love for you simply radiates.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
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