Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I dig you a hole lot.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
I’ll be there in a pinch.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
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