What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I always have a souper time with you.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
You leave me Wonton more.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
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