What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
This summer is going swimmingly.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
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